I don't know??

Well...first off, I don't really know what I'm doing here. No one will probably ever read this, and perhaps that's exactly why I'm doing it. It's cathartic and I don't necessarily want the whole world to read my thoughts. It seems somewhat more revealing than a journal though because there is the possibility that someone else could read it...and that makes it deeper, more personal, more revealing, in a way.

Anyway...I've been feeling in a rut lately. Why? I don't know. Maybe I'm just coming down with something, or getting bored with my routine. I like my job, I love my boyfriend and my family, but I just feel off, like there's something missing, or there's something I am missing.

I think part of it stems from being increasingly unhappy with my self when I look in the mirror. Not only this, but a few days ago a pair of pants that fit me in University (albeit, they were snug back then) refused to come above my (apparently huge) thighs. This really rattled me. It's one thing to think you've gained a few pounds (you just know, right girls?) but I've always said, "it's okay, I'm not gaining that much weight, my pants still fit!" to justify any perceived 5 pound weight gain I had previously. Now? That argument is gone out the window. And to make matters worse, my favorite pair of pants is feeling tighter than usual. You know how it goes with pants...you need to stretch 'em out a bit for them to be comfortable. Now, it feels like there just isn't as much stress. My pants feel uncomfortable and far too tight that I'd just rather wear sweatpants that stretch. Sigh. I've known for awhile now that I really need to get my butt in gear and start working out and being more active and eating healthier...but it's so hard!

I want to be happy with myself...I want to look in the mirror and see someone fit and trim and, yes, skinny! Do I need to be a size 2? No...I probably won't ever be (thanks for the hips, mom!) but I do want to NOT have a muffin top...not have to suck in...just be comfortable in my skin and my own clothes! But...I'm pretty lazy. I'd much rather stay in, watch tv and read my book than go to the gym and be active (the gym is so boring...and time consuiming...and expensive). And I just can't give up any of my favorite foods. Fast food, yes, I could give it up (it would be hard...but doable). But mashed potatoes? Nope. Sweets? Hardly...It's just impossible. I know that life is hard and I need to suck it up to get what I want...but why can't I just be one of the lucky ones who enjoys healthy food and enjoys being active? Why can't I just be naturally slim and trim and have thick hair that does what you want it and looks nice all the time...seriously, why? I know this just sounds like some girl complaining, but these are the things that we all think about, if you lie and say you don't you're just lying to yourself!

So anyway...that's what's been going on. I also am feeling more removed from my friends recently. I know I haven't always been the one most excited about hanging out (sometimes I do just like to go home and relax...does this make me lame? Maybe...but whatever), and I don't go out as much anymore (drinking has become really overrated for me recently...) but I'm starting to feel like my friends don't really like me that much anymore. Sure, they're my friends and have been for years and years but we don't really have that much in common any longer, and I just get this weird 6th sense feeling when were hanging out that they are annoyed by me, or just wishing they could be somewhere else. I realize this probably just sounds very self-indulgent and "oh-poor-me" but it's how I feel...and this is my blog and my catharsis so I can say whatever I want.


It actually helps to get this stuff out there....maybe stay tuned for more?

:) cheers